Live to Love and Laugh: ~Illumination~

Usually when a person sees the "light at the end of the tunnel," it is supposed to give them a good feeling, a sense of accomplishment, motivation to keep going, that extra boost with confidence that they are almost there - right?
I started to see that light. As I registered for classes for Spring semester, I calculated up and had a potential graduation date in mind. Yay ... almost done.
But since registering for classes, I feel God has been opening my eyes to things and giving me a lot to think about.
Right now ... where I am now ... I feel like that "light at the end of the tunnel" for me did nothing but illuminate on the fact that I am in the wrong tunnel.
Forgive me if a lot of this seems all jumbled up in my thought processes, but I will write as things come to mind. This is all something that has been weighing on me for about a month now. I have bounced my thoughts off of David to think my process aloud - also to make sure it was not just these pregnancy hormones :-D

Let me back up and begin with my calling ... better yet, let me begin before my calling. The summer before the 8th grade and the first couple months of the 8th grade, my siblings and I spent 3 months in foster care. The first 2 weeks we spent time in a shelter that was affiliated with the First Baptist Church there, and through that I met the family who later became my permanent foster family - a family I still keep in touch with today.
Years later, the summer before 12th grade, I went on a mission trip and got to mentor the four "bullies" of the week (4th and 5th graders). I began sharing with them some of the things I've been through with my parents fighting, the divorce, foster care, etc. And I was able to share with them how through all of that God stays with us and will help us through. One by one they began to open up and share with me some of the things they've been going through (much similar to what I went through). Through this experience and for about a month after that I felt God calling me in to the ministry ... more specifically, I've often felt God calling me to work with children and families, especially foster children.
As a result of this calling, I pursued an undergraduate degree at Campbell University in the field of Religion and Christian Ministries. While studying in this field, I began working as a Minister of Youth and Children in the church. When I began working in this field, I knew it would not be what I would be doing always ... but didn't have a specific idea on where I was going or how I was going there.
In many ways, I feel like Abraham. God told Abraham to start going, God will guide Him, and God would let him know when he got there. I feel like God told me to go, and that He is still guiding my steps, and I have not yet reached my destination - and I have no idea where this destination is or what it even looks like. But I trust God completely.
As I finished up my undergraduate degree, I had the opportunity to double dip my last semester as my first semester in the Divinity program. I never took the time to stop and evaluate what I wanted, what the future held, and honestly - if this is even what God wanted. All about this same time, David and I got married and then I dove full force into graduate school with a full load. I did well, but decided to take a few less hours the next semester. The beginning of the next semester we were blessed with the wonderful news of our precious Carissa's conception! Needless to say, this semester moved to the bottom of my priority list. On top of it all, I was let go from job due to financial restraints on the church budget and found a new job doing the same thing at a different church around the same time I learned I was pregnant. And then were faced with whether or not to renew our rental agreement for another year, or find a house to buy. We chose the option of buying a house!
Everything happening so fast, not a lot of time to breathe and think. I made it through 2 of the 4 classes I started that semester. I took the next semester off to welcome our new baby girl into the world, and decided to try minimum full time classes the following semester. I made it halfway through the semester before I hit my brick wall! (http://gunterlife.blogspot.com/2009/03/restructuring-life-priorities.html) The blog link here is when I decided to put school on hold.
Over the summer, I found some sense of balance in my life as a Mom and minister, and decided to add school part time. I chose two classes: 1. Making and Equipping Disciples and 2. Biblical and Theological Foundations for Children and Preschool Ministries.
I worked hard throughout the semester to keep up school on top of everything in my personal life. I struggle though because I feel horrible having to work on homework instead of spending preferred time with Carissa. But if I set homework aside to spend time with Carissa all day, I am wiped out and exhausted to the point of being unable to do my work adequately.
I thoroughly enjoyed both of my classes, the content, and my professors. But due to everything on my plate, I hit a point where I became physically unable and unmotivated to do anything. I guess I became so emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually overwhelmed that I became physically drained. (And it certainly did not help that I was in my first trimester during all of this!)
Aside from just the aspects of what I had to do piling up, it became much more than that. It seems the more I learned in my classes, the more I was able to fine tune my own belief systems and understandings that has left me feeling disillusioned with common church practices. It has also left me feeling like I'm not doing what I've been called to do. More and more I feel my job at the church has become just that - a job. While there are so many aspects about it that I love and am quite passionate about, more and more of my job is consumed with the politics of how churches are run - including pleasing others to keep them in attendance. I mentioned my disillusionment to someone who also attended seminary in the past, and she commented that it is very common for seminary students to become disillusioned, but you get to a point where you accept that's just how it is, etc. I accepted that at first. But now, I've gotten to a point where I feel like if I'm not being the disciple that Jesus has called me to be, the church isn't making disciples the way it is supposed to be doing, and we just aren't being the Body of Christ the way Christ taught us to be .... then WHY accept that it is the way it is? Why do I walk on eggshells to keep from offending someone? Why do I have to make minor changes instead of the larger ones that need changed for fear of losing members? Jesus never once accepted that "that's just how it is" and moved on. He took a stand against it. He never walked on eggshells. In fact, Jesus called for a dramatic change in practices!!
The more I think about all of this, the more I realize that as a part-time "minister" I will never be a change agent in a church. I do not have the influence or the time that would be needed to be invested in order to help transform a church into being the Body of Christ that it has been called to be. If I remain a part-time minister, my job will be simply that ... a job. Something that I do to bring an income into our family. I will have to deal with the politics, and the programs, and the administrative things ... but the more soul-searching I do ... the more I realize that my Spiritual Gifts just aren't meant for this.
In all my classes and studies, every time we've discussed Spiritual Gifts and how we can use them in ministry I've always came up with the same thing. My three top gifts are Hospitality, Teaching, and Exhortation. And I've always applied them to ministry in a church ... but that's where it gets sticky. I can fit these gifts perfectly into a church setting ... but as a minister of youth and children, I lack the administrative gift that is required to deal with the politics of church.
More and more and more lately though, I have found intense passion and desire for wanting to be a stay at home mom. To me, that is one of the greatest ministries God could ever ask me to take part in - to raise my children in a loving Christian home, teaching them to become disciples of Jesus Christ. WOW! And then, I start thinking about my gifts and how I'm supposed to use them for God's glory. And then it hit me! Hospitality IS homemaking ... isn't that what a mother does? Teaching ... every day I am constantly teaching Carissa new things! Exhortation ... it is my truest desire to encourage my children to become the best that they can be. How perfect! I've always known I was going to be a mom. And now I see that God suited me with 3 fantastic gifts to use to be a great mom.
To say all of this does not mean I've lost my desire or feelings that I've been called to work with children and families - especially foster children. This does say that through all my studies, thoughts, and understandings, I've come to realize that we are called to a ministry and just because I feel God has called me to a specific ministry, doesn't not mean I am constricted to performing that ministry within or from a church.
Through all of my thinking, talking, praying, and soul-searching, my deepest desires and understandings for where God wants me right now (even if this is not my final destination as I have plenty more years ahead of me if God decides to guide my paths a different direction again!):
The scenario I see playing through at some point in the near future consists of me being a stay at home mom (which of course means David having a job that compensates for my lack of income), us attending a church as a family where we feel supports our views and understandings of what we want our children to learn and be a part of (ie. being a part of the worship time, etc), and I can find ministry opportunities that I can volunteer with (ie. something working with foster children, etc). I want to simply do the ministries, not lead and organize them.

So what does all of this mean now?

As of now, looking at my new understanding of where my calling is leading me, I don't need this degree I am currently working on. I wish I had done some of this thinking before I decided to start the degree, but I know God has used everything to teach me things and I know I am a better parent because of it. (The two classes I took this semester, while making me disillusioned with working in a church, they have helped make me a better person in Christ and given me a better understanding of what kind of parent I want to be to raise my children to be followers of Christ.) But beyond the fact that I know God can make the most of my situations and will teach me things through it all, I don't feel He wants me to finish working on this degree - at least not in this chapter in my life. I have no idea if later on after kids are grown He will decide it's time for me to get this degree and get a full time job in a church where I can make a difference, but that is then and this is now. For now, I feel working on this degree has become something different entirely. I am not sure what though. It's become a matter of proving something, and I don't even know what I'm trying to prove or who I'm trying to prove it to. I've already completed one college degree - more than my family has done. Maybe it's my sense of "you finish what you start." I really don't know. But I do know that is has lost it's spot as a priority for me, and yet when I am taking classes they have a way of creating havoc if I don't make them a priority - and havoc if I do.
I finished this semester ... learned a lot ... but I still feel the way I did last March. So if I am still feeling the same way, maybe this is another sign it's not what I am supposed to be doing. I already feel weight and stress with just having Carissa while trying to do school, and Spring I will be more and more pregnant anticipating the arrival of Lil G .. and after that I will have 2 little ones who will need my time and attention and I will NOT want to give any priority to school.
Feeling strongly that I will not need this degree anytime within the next - oh - 15 years, what motivation is that supposed to be to make me finish now? By then things I am learning now will be different because our culture will have changed again. I am 98.9% sure I will not be returning to school indefinitely. I want to be able to stay home with my children and not stress about classes that aren't applicable.
As for my job, (any church members who happen to be reading this), please do not think I am making an rash decisions any time soon. While I do not feel it's what I am to continue doing to follow my calling, it is where I have been placed by God for now. I will continue to serve to the best of my ability until God shows me that it is time to leave. For now, I am financially dependent on my job - as I make more part time than David does full time at his job. Someday, when David finds that fantastic career that provides financially, then I will seek out God's guidance and will not leave the church up a creek without a paddle. I care deeply for the people of my church, and always want the best. I continue to trust God as He shows me where I am supposed to go, and when I'm supposed to take my next step. Right now, my next step is to erase "student" from my life job description. Knowing this, I already feel like a physical weigh has lifted off of me and I feel relieved. These are signs that I am doing what God wants.
Please continue to pray for me as I seek God's guidance and follow what I understand to be His leading. Please pray for my family as we still "patiently" wait for the right job to fall into David's lap and have been waiting for almost a year now (since May if you count when he officially got his degree).
As I consider my plans and God's plans I am constantly reminded of Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." So as I may have made all of these plans back even before I got married, as God blesses me in other ways I am reminded that what I planned may not be what God had planned for me. And if I trust Him, His plans will prevail!
As I have been struggling over all this, and yes losing sleep over it -which is why I am still awake!, I was also encouraged by another scripture passage.