~Illumination~

Usually when a person sees the "light at the end of the tunnel," it is supposed to give them a good feeling, a sense of accomplishment, motivation to keep going, that extra boost with confidence that they are almost there - right?
I started to see that light. As I registered for classes for Spring semester, I calculated up and had a potential graduation date in mind. Yay ... almost done.
But since registering for classes, I feel God has been opening my eyes to things and giving me a lot to think about.
Right now ... where I am now ... I feel like that "light at the end of the tunnel" for me did nothing but illuminate on the fact that I am in the wrong tunnel.
Forgive me if a lot of this seems all jumbled up in my thought processes, but I will write as things come to mind. This is all something that has been weighing on me for about a month now. I have bounced my thoughts off of David to think my process aloud - also to make sure it was not just these pregnancy hormones :-D

Let me back up and begin with my calling ... better yet, let me begin before my calling. The summer before the 8th grade and the first couple months of the 8th grade, my siblings and I spent 3 months in foster care. The first 2 weeks we spent time in a shelter that was affiliated with the First Baptist Church there, and through that I met the family who later became my permanent foster family - a family I still keep in touch with today.
Years later, the summer before 12th grade, I went on a mission trip and got to mentor the four "bullies" of the week (4th and 5th graders). I began sharing with them some of the things I've been through with my parents fighting, the divorce, foster care, etc. And I was able to share with them how through all of that God stays with us and will help us through. One by one they began to open up and share with me some of the things they've been going through (much similar to what I went through). Through this experience and for about a month after that I felt God calling me in to the ministry ... more specifically, I've often felt God calling me to work with children and families, especially foster children.
As a result of this calling, I pursued an undergraduate degree at Campbell University in the field of Religion and Christian Ministries. While studying in this field, I began working as a Minister of Youth and Children in the church. When I began working in this field, I knew it would not be what I would be doing always ... but didn't have a specific idea on where I was going or how I was going there.
In many ways, I feel like Abraham. God told Abraham to start going, God will guide Him, and God would let him know when he got there. I feel like God told me to go, and that He is still guiding my steps, and I have not yet reached my destination - and I have no idea where this destination is or what it even looks like. But I trust God completely.
As I finished up my undergraduate degree, I had the opportunity to double dip my last semester as my first semester in the Divinity program. I never took the time to stop and evaluate what I wanted, what the future held, and honestly - if this is even what God wanted. All about this same time, David and I got married and then I dove full force into graduate school with a full load. I did well, but decided to take a few less hours the next semester. The beginning of the next semester we were blessed with the wonderful news of our precious Carissa's conception! Needless to say, this semester moved to the bottom of my priority list. On top of it all, I was let go from job due to financial restraints on the church budget and found a new job doing the same thing at a different church around the same time I learned I was pregnant. And then were faced with whether or not to renew our rental agreement for another year, or find a house to buy. We chose the option of buying a house!
Everything happening so fast, not a lot of time to breathe and think. I made it through 2 of the 4 classes I started that semester. I took the next semester off to welcome our new baby girl into the world, and decided to try minimum full time classes the following semester. I made it halfway through the semester before I hit my brick wall! (http://gunterlife.blogspot.com/2009/03/restructuring-life-priorities.html) The blog link here is when I decided to put school on hold.
Over the summer, I found some sense of balance in my life as a Mom and minister, and decided to add school part time. I chose two classes: 1. Making and Equipping Disciples and 2. Biblical and Theological Foundations for Children and Preschool Ministries.
I worked hard throughout the semester to keep up school on top of everything in my personal life. I struggle though because I feel horrible having to work on homework instead of spending preferred time with Carissa. But if I set homework aside to spend time with Carissa all day, I am wiped out and exhausted to the point of being unable to do my work adequately.
I thoroughly enjoyed both of my classes, the content, and my professors. But due to everything on my plate, I hit a point where I became physically unable and unmotivated to do anything. I guess I became so emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually overwhelmed that I became physically drained. (And it certainly did not help that I was in my first trimester during all of this!)
Aside from just the aspects of what I had to do piling up, it became much more than that. It seems the more I learned in my classes, the more I was able to fine tune my own belief systems and understandings that has left me feeling disillusioned with common church practices. It has also left me feeling like I'm not doing what I've been called to do. More and more I feel my job at the church has become just that - a job. While there are so many aspects about it that I love and am quite passionate about, more and more of my job is consumed with the politics of how churches are run - including pleasing others to keep them in attendance. I mentioned my disillusionment to someone who also attended seminary in the past, and she commented that it is very common for seminary students to become disillusioned, but you get to a point where you accept that's just how it is, etc. I accepted that at first. But now, I've gotten to a point where I feel like if I'm not being the disciple that Jesus has called me to be, the church isn't making disciples the way it is supposed to be doing, and we just aren't being the Body of Christ the way Christ taught us to be .... then WHY accept that it is the way it is? Why do I walk on eggshells to keep from offending someone? Why do I have to make minor changes instead of the larger ones that need changed for fear of losing members? Jesus never once accepted that "that's just how it is" and moved on. He took a stand against it. He never walked on eggshells. In fact, Jesus called for a dramatic change in practices!!
The more I think about all of this, the more I realize that as a part-time "minister" I will never be a change agent in a church. I do not have the influence or the time that would be needed to be invested in order to help transform a church into being the Body of Christ that it has been called to be. If I remain a part-time minister, my job will be simply that ... a job. Something that I do to bring an income into our family. I will have to deal with the politics, and the programs, and the administrative things ... but the more soul-searching I do ... the more I realize that my Spiritual Gifts just aren't meant for this.
In all my classes and studies, every time we've discussed Spiritual Gifts and how we can use them in ministry I've always came up with the same thing. My three top gifts are Hospitality, Teaching, and Exhortation. And I've always applied them to ministry in a church ... but that's where it gets sticky. I can fit these gifts perfectly into a church setting ... but as a minister of youth and children, I lack the administrative gift that is required to deal with the politics of church.
More and more and more lately though, I have found intense passion and desire for wanting to be a stay at home mom. To me, that is one of the greatest ministries God could ever ask me to take part in - to raise my children in a loving Christian home, teaching them to become disciples of Jesus Christ. WOW! And then, I start thinking about my gifts and how I'm supposed to use them for God's glory. And then it hit me! Hospitality IS homemaking ... isn't that what a mother does? Teaching ... every day I am constantly teaching Carissa new things! Exhortation ... it is my truest desire to encourage my children to become the best that they can be. How perfect! I've always known I was going to be a mom. And now I see that God suited me with 3 fantastic gifts to use to be a great mom.
To say all of this does not mean I've lost my desire or feelings that I've been called to work with children and families - especially foster children. This does say that through all my studies, thoughts, and understandings, I've come to realize that we are called to a ministry and just because I feel God has called me to a specific ministry, doesn't not mean I am constricted to performing that ministry within or from a church.
Through all of my thinking, talking, praying, and soul-searching, my deepest desires and understandings for where God wants me right now (even if this is not my final destination as I have plenty more years ahead of me if God decides to guide my paths a different direction again!):
The scenario I see playing through at some point in the near future consists of me being a stay at home mom (which of course means David having a job that compensates for my lack of income), us attending a church as a family where we feel supports our views and understandings of what we want our children to learn and be a part of (ie. being a part of the worship time, etc), and I can find ministry opportunities that I can volunteer with (ie. something working with foster children, etc). I want to simply do the ministries, not lead and organize them.

So what does all of this mean now?

As of now, looking at my new understanding of where my calling is leading me, I don't need this degree I am currently working on. I wish I had done some of this thinking before I decided to start the degree, but I know God has used everything to teach me things and I know I am a better parent because of it. (The two classes I took this semester, while making me disillusioned with working in a church, they have helped make me a better person in Christ and given me a better understanding of what kind of parent I want to be to raise my children to be followers of Christ.) But beyond the fact that I know God can make the most of my situations and will teach me things through it all, I don't feel He wants me to finish working on this degree - at least not in this chapter in my life. I have no idea if later on after kids are grown He will decide it's time for me to get this degree and get a full time job in a church where I can make a difference, but that is then and this is now. For now, I feel working on this degree has become something different entirely. I am not sure what though. It's become a matter of proving something, and I don't even know what I'm trying to prove or who I'm trying to prove it to. I've already completed one college degree - more than my family has done. Maybe it's my sense of "you finish what you start." I really don't know. But I do know that is has lost it's spot as a priority for me, and yet when I am taking classes they have a way of creating havoc if I don't make them a priority - and havoc if I do.
I finished this semester ... learned a lot ... but I still feel the way I did last March. So if I am still feeling the same way, maybe this is another sign it's not what I am supposed to be doing. I already feel weight and stress with just having Carissa while trying to do school, and Spring I will be more and more pregnant anticipating the arrival of Lil G .. and after that I will have 2 little ones who will need my time and attention and I will NOT want to give any priority to school.
Feeling strongly that I will not need this degree anytime within the next - oh - 15 years, what motivation is that supposed to be to make me finish now? By then things I am learning now will be different because our culture will have changed again. I am 98.9% sure I will not be returning to school indefinitely. I want to be able to stay home with my children and not stress about classes that aren't applicable.
As for my job, (any church members who happen to be reading this), please do not think I am making an rash decisions any time soon. While I do not feel it's what I am to continue doing to follow my calling, it is where I have been placed by God for now. I will continue to serve to the best of my ability until God shows me that it is time to leave. For now, I am financially dependent on my job - as I make more part time than David does full time at his job. Someday, when David finds that fantastic career that provides financially, then I will seek out God's guidance and will not leave the church up a creek without a paddle. I care deeply for the people of my church, and always want the best. I continue to trust God as He shows me where I am supposed to go, and when I'm supposed to take my next step. Right now, my next step is to erase "student" from my life job description. Knowing this, I already feel like a physical weigh has lifted off of me and I feel relieved. These are signs that I am doing what God wants.
Please continue to pray for me as I seek God's guidance and follow what I understand to be His leading. Please pray for my family as we still "patiently" wait for the right job to fall into David's lap and have been waiting for almost a year now (since May if you count when he officially got his degree).
As I consider my plans and God's plans I am constantly reminded of Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." So as I may have made all of these plans back even before I got married, as God blesses me in other ways I am reminded that what I planned may not be what God had planned for me. And if I trust Him, His plans will prevail!
As I have been struggling over all this, and yes losing sleep over it -which is why I am still awake!, I was also encouraged by another scripture passage.

"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like ...the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." Ps 37:3-7

*Life Within*

I am quite ashamed that I am almost 4 months pregnant and have yet to write any entries to journal this wonderful experience.
First trimester seemed to fly by a lot faster than it did with Carissa. I am sure it had something to do with the fact that my days were filled with the entertainment of keeping up with a toddler. Morning sickness has been rough; but between keeping up with Carissa, school, and work, I asked for a prescription of Zofran after spending a couple of days throwing up. I have a high tolerance for pain, but boy do I have a hard time when it comes to queasiness and vomiting.
We had our first prenatal appointment and our first ultrasound at 9weeks4days. We were too early to hear the heartbeat, but we could see it beating away at 175 bpm on the ultrasound. So fabulous to see life within.
Morning sickness is on it's way out. I still have days that are harder than others and it is still a juggling act with eating every couple hours, drinking plenty of water, and of course getting enough rest. Hopefully soon I will be nausea free!
My bump popped quite early with this one! And despite all the talk of twins from wonderful Facebook followers and family, I stand by my intuition (and the first ultrasound) that there is only one little one growing inside of me and my body just remembers what to do from being pregnant not too long ago. It is funny for me to already be feeling like my belly is getting in the way and prohibiting from certain movements, feeling uncomfortable already - especially at night, and to see my belly button already working on popping out!! All of these things didn't start happening until the second half of pregnancy with Carissa!
One of the neat things that has happened earlier than with Carissa is feeling the little flutters! They are still not consistent, but when they happen ... it makes my whole day. There is something so nice about relaxing in the evenings and feel like I'm having my own private play date with the precious baby growing inside of me. I can't wait to feel more than just taps and flutters, and I really look forward to when we can all feel the baby from the outside. I especially cannot wait until Carissa is able to feel it!
She is so precious with giving her "smooches" to "baby." I can't wait to find out what we are having so we can begin calling my belly by a name other than "baby" - especially since "baby" is her baby dolls, or any other baby she sees.
Speaking of learning gender ... our magic date is currently set at January 12th - providing Lil G is cooperative! :)
The going vote around is that it is a boy. I was trying to not give into any thoughts, but I am beginning to think it might just be a boy. I am carrying a little different than with Carissa, other things have been different (including cravings ... with Carissa I craved salty things a lot, and this I've had more of a sweet tooth ... and I am not a big sweet eater in general), and I had a dream in which I had a vision of the baby and it looked like a boy.
But either way, I will be extremely happy. I still have my reasons for wanting either gender! :)
Our second prenatal appointment was this past Monday at 14weeks4days. We finally got to hear the wonderful sound of a strong healthy heartbeat, beating away at 150 beats per minute. My uterus seemed to be bigger than the midwife expected. I guess we will just have to wait and see how I continue to measure through the rest of the pregnancy. I also found out that I have Group B Strep in my urinalysis ... which means I automatically will have to receive an IV of antibiotics during labor.
I had the same thing with Carissa, and was really hoping to go IV-free this time. But the nice thing is I will get a dose of antibiotics, and then they disconnect the IV and just leave the "heparin lock" in my arm so I still have all the mobility that I want or need during labor. And with the IV I'm allowed to walk it around if I need or want to. My only request this time is that the most experienced person on duty puts the IV in. With Carissa the student nurse tried putting it in. I am a complete supporter of allowing students to participate and have experience to learn. BUT my veins seem to run away every time I have to get an IV, and it was NOT fun having some poke me and try to find the vein 100 times while I am working on contractions that were coming every couple of minutes. Not fun at all. (At least my breathing techniques helped me deal with the pain of needles stabbing me lol)



I cannot believe that I have already almost completed 4 months of being pregnant and only have 6 more months before we get to welcome a new member of our family into this world. We are super excited and looking forward to another uneventful wonderful pregnancy! :)

The picture taken here is of me at 14wks2days pregnant!! About the same size as 22 weeks with Carissa :) I love my bump though!!
I just love being pregnant!! (If only there was a way to not be nauseous!)

Catch-Up

I feel like this is all I have been doing lately - playing catch up. My last posts on here were from before I began school for the semester ... and sadly, I didn't stay as balanced as I would have liked. So much has happened between then and now; and through it all, I must admit that I have been doing some soul-searching thinking and will hopefully eventually be able to write this all out. My catch up process may take a few blog entries ... so please bear with me. Most of you reading this stay sort of up to date with me on facebook, so I won't spend a whole lot of time in the small details ... until I get to the soul-searching that has been neglected from the pages of Facebook.

AUGUST
I had found balance in my life and felt confident to pursue another semester in my career as a student. I decided that I would not be over ambitious, and so I only took 2 classes - 5 credit hours. It was a wonderful decision, anymore and I very possibly would have crashed and burned - again.

SEPTEMBER
Busy busy month!!
Schooooool ...
Key events from this month:

Zoo Trip
September 19, 2009

The weekend of Carissa's birthday we made a trip to the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro. A group from our church went, but it was very exciting for Carissa's first trip to the zoo to be two days before she turned One!! :)
She thoroughly enjoyed looking at the animals. Anything that had wings and a beak/bill was called a "duck" ... she growled at the bears and lions. But I think her favorite were the baboons. She was very excited about them.
It was a great day and I can't wait to take her again. I say it would be a great tradition to start taking her every year around her birthday :)

Carissa's First Birthday
September 21, 2009

What an exciting time!! Our baby girl hit the big milestone of hitting one year of age. Wow time flies. It has been a very exciting year and we've loved every minute of having this precious child in our lives. Celebrating her birthday was the perfect opportunity to celebrate her life and what she means to us. She has changed our lives so much, but has made our lives so much better. I would never ask for things to have been any different. Celebrating her life makes me so satisfied, content, and extremely happy to be a mom. God blessed us so much when He began forming this little life inside of me and He continues to bless us every day with the opportunity, responsibility, and joys of teaching this little girl and watching her grow into a beautiful, happy, smart little girl.
The day before her birthday we had a low-key party at the park down the street. A couple of her little friends - Kaelyn and Charlie - came and their families, and then family members. The very special part of her party was that she had her Great-Great-Grandmother there, two of her Great Grandmothers, and one of her Grandmothers there. There are not many people who can say they had that many "Greats" at their first birthday party. All in all it was a great day!

Our Big News
September 28, 2009

Most who follow my blog are already aware of this news, but there is no way I can leave this out of my recap of my busy busy month! After a wonderful week celebrating the life of our precious Carissa, we were blessed with the wonderful news that we will be blessed again with a second child. Our Carissa will be a big sister! What a great way to end our busy busy month! We are extremely excited as we anticipate the arrival of our second bundle of joy.

OCTOBER
Full of school work, school work and more school work.

We had our Trunk or Treat at church this month. Was a lot of fun. Carissa was a pirate ... I was a clown and did balloon animals for all the kids. While I thoroughly enjoyed my time, I would have loved to have been able to enjoy it with Carissa more.

NOVEMBER
Schooooool ...
Highlights:

My 24th birthday
November 24, 2009

I am now officially in my mid-twenties! Wow. A few days before my birthday, I received my early birthday present from David and Carissa - my brand new camera! :) I knew I was getting it because David dropped and broke my old one. The night before my birthday I took a break in my homework and had a birthday dinner with my two favorite people at Ruby Tuesday. The day of my birthday I spent the day playing with Carissa and my friend's little girl, Kaelyn, finishing my book review, and going to class.

Thanksgiving
November 26, 2009

Due to David's wonderful job in the world of retail, we left for Virginia Wednesday late afternoon. We spent the night at David's parents' house, and enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving lunch with family. That night, David left to head back home :( so he could be at work dark-early Black Friday morning. Carissa and I remained in Virginia to spend another couple days with his family. Carissa, David's dad, and I slept in Black Friday while David's mom and Sarah, his brother's girlfriend, woke up at dark-early to go shopping. We met them around 10:30 for brunch did a little shopping at Toys R Us, but that was really the extent of shopping for me. That evening we went to David's cousin's house for a "Day After Thanksgiving Dinner." And then that Saturday, David's mom brought us home.

DECEMBER
Finals in school ....

Deck the Halls
Getting ready for Christmas.

Since the end of school, my days have been spent
cleaning, laundry, cooking, decorating, shopping, and of course being Mommy.
Essentially, now that school is over I've been catching up on my life.
Now that you have been caught up on the highlights,
I will get around to writing more thought specific blogs.

~Bite-Sized~

It's amazing to me how we try to get through life via leaps and bounds. Many times we are guilty of biting off more than we can handle. I for one always seem to take on more than I can chew. And it always ends the same: I get overwhelmed, I get sick, and it takes me twice as long to get back on my feet!
This has happened to me more times than I can count. In fact, I am just now coming to the end of one of those "getting back on my feet" periods. It feels wonderful right now though. I feel balanced, I feel structured, I feel confident. But I have to be careful to not fall into the same pattern though.
Carissa has taught me many things! Oh how I love her! But watching her eat is so neat. She has her little pudgy adorable fingers, and she picks up the food she wants to eat and puts it in her mouth with intentionality. But because she loves food so much, she is bound to stick more in her mouth than she can handle. That is why, as her parents, we are responsible for breaking it up into little ~bite-sized~ portions for her, and continuously observe her to make she doesn't put too much in her mouth. How similar is that to how I take on more than I should? The only thing is I don't have someone cutting my "food" into ~bite-sized~ portions.
But I can learn another lesson from Carissa that can help me keep from taking on more than I can handle. Carissa is now to where she is learning how to walk. But getting to this point has been a long but exciting process. She wasn't born being able to walk. She first had to learn to hold her head up, then had to learn to roll over, to sit up, to stand while holding something, to learn the concept of taking steps while holding on, and now she is sometimes able to take 2-3 steps at a time without holding on. She is still learning how to find her balance, and until she does she will not be able to take off walking. But she is determined and she will learn when she has it all figured out. But there is a reason there is a cliche called "Taking baby steps." :-D
Thinking about this as I am about to embark on yet another semester in my seemingly life long career as a student, I am reminded that I cannot take on a full load without first mastering my lighter loads. And most of all, I cannot fully "walk" without first finding my balance. I hope to hold onto these ~Bite-Sized~ lessons as I try to master being Mommy, Wife, Melissa, Minister, and Student! :) But Carissa's perseverance gives me motivation and hope! :)

God as Artist

There are many characteristics that could be attributed to God, but this time I want to focus on God as Artist. This is probably a characteristic that is not commonly recognized as an attribute of God, but tonight I saw a demonstration of His artistic capability.

Here I was, driving home from a meeting at Church on an extremely hot day, and looking ahead of me I begin to see heat lightening. A little at first, but before I know it the lightening is stretching across the sky in some amazing patterns. I really cannot describe how beautiful and magnificent this lightening was. It would begin in a central location and completely branch out for all to see. If I had not had a tired baby in the back seat, I would have loved to just pull over and watch it.
(It reminded me of when I was a child at G.A. camp in Florida, and we loved to watch the heat lightening in the evenings.) What a beautiful display of God's artistic personality.

While I was watching this lightening (I was paying attention to my driving, I promise!), so many things crossed my mind. As I share my thoughts, it is my hope that you too can see God as Artist in some capacity.

First: When I think about lightening in general, I think of something extremely powerful, dangerous, but exhilarating to watch. I definitely have a healthy fear of lightening. It is one of those things that I will appreciate from the comfort of my house without getting too close to windows, water, or electrical circuits. But heat lightening I have always found a little less threatening which gives me freedom to appreciate it without trying to hide from it.
Thinking about this, led me straight to God! God is so powerful!! At times, I think we all have a fear of God's power and try to hide from it (especially if it calls for us to change how we are living). And while, yes, we should at times have a healthy fear of God's power, I think He wants us to appreciate it without feeling threatened. He wants to share with us His magnificent power on a beautiful level. And for me, I saw that thru His heat lightening. In a way, it showed me His artistic sensitive side. I feel like it was His way of telling me, "Look, you know I create this lightening. You know it is one representation of my power. But look, my power is something that is beautiful and I want to share it with you. Everything I do is for you; and tonight, I am filling you with the awesomeness of who I am."
This all led me to my second train of thinking:
This lightening was completely amazing and beautiful, and only someone with an artistic flare could create something so magnificent! Lightening is but one mere masterpiece of God's! But stop and take a look around us - smell the roses if you will. This world we live in was a creation by the first artist - the master of art! It is simply amazing when you actually take the time to appreciate it. And sometimes, if we've been neglecting to take the time to appreciate God's masterpiece, He chooses to put one in our path that we cannot ignore - such as a sky full of heat lightening that was the most beautiful thing!!
It's funny when I think about an artist though, I think of someone who really has this inner self that cannot be defined by words alone... but it needs pictures, colors, feeling, etc. And God definitely fits here. There is no way that I could explain to someone the character of God and who He is to me by simply telling them. I just could never find words to describe Him adequately. But seeing God's creative side invokes emotion in me that gives me an understanding of the complexity of whom God is. There is no way I can describe the emotion either, but I hope that others have experienced this same emotion when looking at God's Art! :)
And all of this ultimately brought me to my third line of thinking.
Since the beginning of time, God has been working on his Ultimate Masterpiece: "His Kingdom"! This will be the most glorious masterpiece of all, not only because He is putting so much time and effort into it - but because He uses His creation as tools to create "His Kingdom."
While I may not fully understand the purpose of everything I go through or what I am supposed to do next, I know that God has a specific way that He wants to use me. Some days, I may be a paintbrush that He uses to touch up, or even to start something new. Other days I may be the paint bringing color to someone else's life. Some days, I may be the rag He uses to clean up a blemish - or bring forgiveness to someone. Other days, I am the tenderness that He puts into making sure it is perfectly up to His standards. I know I could probably drag this analogy out ... but I think I will stop there. The point is no matter what things I am dealing with on a day to day basis in my personal life, I know that it will all work together to help God create His Masterpiece!
They key, however, is to not try to do it myself. Unless you are watching Handy Manny, tools do not perform the tasks by themselves. There is always a greater being who puts their abilities to great use! I, for one, am willing to let God use me in any capacity He sees fit. And the next time I feel like complaining about circumstances in my life, I hope to remember that everything works out for a greater good!! :)

Amazing how many things you can think of on a drive home - all because of seeing series of heat lightening! Thanks for listening! :)

Carissa Dances! :)

Time Flies ... !

One year ago from now, I was half way through a pregnancy that would ultimately change my world forever! And here we are ... approaching Carissa's 9th month of life outside of the womb. I cannot believe how much she has changed, grown, and turned into a little person in these last 9 months!
She once upon a time laid helpless in my arms and relied on me to do everything for her. Now, she is determined to do everything herself!
She insists on feeding herself ... she wants to go where she wants to go when she wants to go there and she wants to be the one to go there (if I help her, she decides that's not what she wanted!).
Carissa is working on learning to pull herself up to a standing position. We don't have many things the right height in our house for her, but she has managed to pull herself up in the bathtub - although a bit slippery at times.
I am thinking she may just skip the whole crawling thing all together. She scoots and pushes and pulls and turns .... but no crawling. She'd much rather be standing! In fact ... more and more frequently, she has stood unsupported for like 2 seconds!! That's major progress!! And she loves trying to walk ... holding our hands of course! But she's a pro! Before long I am sure she will be walking!! And she's only 8 1/2 months!!! WOW!
Carissa has SEVEN teeth and I believe she has one on the way!! Definitely a mouthful ... which leads to her love for eating anything - ESPECIALLY mommy and daddy's food! I have officially STOPPED mashing her food. She mostly feeds herself with her fingers. She does like the baby forks, and if we put a piece of food on her fork and hand her the fork, she moves directly to her mouth with the food and eats it off the fork!! Amazing!
And let's not forget that she is going to be a world-class talker! She is working on "bye bye" now. Of course it sounds more like "ba ba ba" ... but she repeats it in response to us saying "bye bye" - which reminds me - She WAVES bye bye! :)
She still doesn't directly call us "ma ma" or "da da" but she definitely tries. Sometimes I think it coincidentally comes out though. And sounds like she says "hi." She babbles up a storm all day long! And she knows what she is saying ... boy I really wish I knew what she was saying. So much personality!!!
She is still nursing ... but only about 3 times a day. I certainly cherish those sessions so much! It saddens me to think that this will one day come to a stop.
My heart swells every time I think about that little girl ... let alone when I get to love on her. I miss her like crazy when I have to be away from her - which reaffirms my decision to work part time at church and stay home with her on a daily basis! God has blessed me so much to allow me to have the job I want while simultaneously having an abundance of time to be the kind of mother I've always dreamed of being!
I have finally gotten things figured out to keep my house in order, while balancing with my weekly church duties, in such a way that I have plenty of time during the day to sit down and play with Carissa without feeling like I am neglecting other duties. It's a wonderful feeling of contentment and accomplishment!
My life has been so blessed over these past 9 months. I have learned a kind of love I never knew before. A kind of love that always brings tears of happiness to my eyes when I think about how much I love my precious Carissa!!
At times it seems like it would be difficult to ever love another child as much as I do her, but then I think about how much joy it will bring me to see Carissa be a big sister. I know with all my heart that God's plan for my life all along was to be a mother and I thank Him everyday for this calling! It's been the best thing that has ever happened to me!!

To be or Not to be ...

Luke 9:20-26

“Then He asked them, ‘Who do you say I am?’ Peter replied, ‘You are the Messiah sent from God!’
Messiah means the Anointed King
What are things typically associated with a king?
How do the people under the rule of the king act in regards to their king?
Christ was the King sent from God …
He had been anointed by the One who had created us … who had created the world we live in. He alone is the One we owe tribute for us even being in existence.

Jesus warned them not to tell anyone this. ‘For I, the Son of Man, must suffer many terrible things,’ He said. ‘I will be rejected by the leaders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. I will be killed, but three days later I will be raised from the dead.’
Jesus, being the One sent by God, predicts His future as one who will be slain by men.
But further, He describes a life of rejection. Jesus was a religious teacher … and yet, he told of how other leaders, priests and teachers would reject Him. You would think that fellow teachers and leaders would at least support his message.
But His prediction does not end with death.
He tells the disciples that after three days of being dead, He WILL raise up from the dead.
Jesus – the Anointed King – would not remain dead.



Then he said to the crowd, ‘If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross daily, and follow me.
After Jesus gets done telling everyone what His future holds, he turns to the people and almost dares them to follow Him.
Essentially Jesus is saying, I’ve laid it all out for you. You now know what the cards will hold if you follow me. There will be persecution. There will be rejection. And, you know, there may be death.
But if you love me and are willing to follow me in spite of all these things, here is what you have to do:
First, you can do nothing for yourself. Following me means you recognize that I know best, I have a perfect plan, and we will follow my perfect plan no matter what it is that you think you might want.
Second, you must shoulder your cross every day. I am about to embark on a journey that includes me shouldering a physical cross and carrying it to me ultimate sacrificial death. I am asking that you every day of your life sacrifice your life to me. Give it to me every day. Not just once – but every day. By carrying your cross every day, I will know that you are willing to be obedient. I know that you are willing to give me your life so that you no longer live – but it is I who lives through you.
Third, Follow Me. Now that you know what things may lay ahead, you’ve made up your mind to follow me anyways. You’ve made my desires your own. And you are giving me your life. The next step is to actually take a step. Let’s play a game of follow the leader. I know you don’t know where we are going. But you must trust me to lead the way. The road may get rocky. I promise I will not lead you through harm. I will be here for. Just follow me.

If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.
If we are not willing to sacrifice everything to Follow Christ, we are limiting ourselves to things of this world alone. Things of this world cannot be a part of Christ. We must give our lives over to God so that they are no longer of this world so that we may have eternal life with Him.

And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose or forfeit your own soul in the process?
If, while we are on this earth, we only busy ourselves with the things of this world – we don’t allow God to have our lives, then what makes us think we will ever be of anything other than this world?
If we only live in worldly matters, we have missed out on things that could be more. Nothing of this world can ever leave this world. And we would lose our souls – which are of God.
We must tend to our souls – our spiritual needs – so that we can leave behind this world to a greater life with Christ in Heaven.



If a person is ashamed of me and my message, I, the Son of Man, will be ashamed of that person when I return in my glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels.’”
We’ve been called to be followers of Christ.
Being a follower of Christ means that it will show in everything we do. Our entire being will belong to the Will of God.
Anytime we refuse to do the will of God – we are displaying shame for Christ. And if we are unwilling to let everyone who sees us know that we Know Christ – then why should we expect Christ to claim to know us in front of His Father or the Angels in Heaven?


Critical Reflection

“If this life is most important to you, you will do everything you can to protect it.
You will not want to do anything that might endanger your safety, health, or comfort.
By contrast, if following Jesus is most important, you may find yourself in some very unsafe, unhealthy, and uncomfortable places. You will risk death, but you will not fear it because you know Jesus will raise you to eternal life.
The person who is concerned only with this life has no such assurance.
His earthly life may be longer, but it will most likely be marred by feelings of boredom and worthlessness.”

Reflecting on Holy Week

I started this blog back before Easter ... but unfortunately I got caught up in everyday family life, church life, and a special trip to Kentucky to see my Gramma in the hospital. But I do feel this is a topic that needs to be written about.

Easter is a time of year that always seems to sneak up on us ... and unfortunately, fly by without a great deal of meditation. On Maundy Thursday, we were having our special service at church to remember the Last Supper that Jesus had with his Disciples and the time leading up to his crucifixion and ultimate death. I don't know what made this service different, but I was really moved to stop and think about what I was doing at that service and what I was supposed to be remembering that week.

The past few years I have been a college student, and as a college student Easter-time means one thing: Midterms! There is no extra time for reflection for the meaning of Easter. The ironic thing - I was a RELIGION major studying Jesus Christ. I KNOW what Easter is about. But it's more than just knowing what Easter is all about. "Easter" occurs each year so that we may celebrate and reflect on the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Yes, the traditional Easter Bunny, Easter Egg Hunts, and receiving an Easter Basket full of goodies are great things at Easter-time, but we must not forget why we have Easter. If we do not stop and think about the true meaning behind it all, we have completely missed out on a great deal! My entire future as a Christian, as a human, and as someone with a hope for life after death all lies within the meaning of Easter.

Okay ... so the reason for Easter ... Jesus' resurrection from the grave. But wow! We are missing out on so much if we limit ourselves to Easter Sunday!

Palm Sunday! Jesus returns to Jerusalem. Jesus entered the city ... and all the peoples were praising Him! One would think these people finally had it figured out! Yes! He is the one who has come to save us! He is God's Son! He is the Messiah! Hallelujah! Amen! I mean seriously, these people lined up along the road waving palm branches singing his praise! How great that must have been. If I had been there, I would have never predicted that the very next week these same people would want him dead. But the awe-striking thing is ... Jesus KNEW His fate. He KNEW that these people would kill Him. That must be hard. How do you face people who are singing your praises and not say, "You hypocrites! Here you are praising my name ... but next week you will want me dead!" This has got to be working on the pit of his stomach. He must have been uneasy about all of it!

Maundy Thursday! Jesus gathers with his closest 12. The ones who have given up everything to follow Him for the past 3 years. They have walked beside Him on long journeys. Wondered how they were going to eat at times. Staying in a different place night to night. They gather to have the traditional passover feast as was a customary Jewish tradition. There really shouldn't be anything different about this feast. But all of a sudden, Jesus - the teacher, the leader of this group - gets up and takes the servant's role. He begins to wash their nasty, dirty, worn out feet! Wow! And of course, Peter stops Him and says, "Jesus! What are you doing?! You are our teacher! Please! Let me wash YOUR feet! It should not be the other way around." But Jesus says, "If I do not wash your feet, you will have no part of me." I think there are a few things that can be gathered from that right there. 1. Jesus must be the one to cleanse us from our sin so that we can be with Him. 2. Jesus is taking on a servant role to demonstrate what His followers must do. 3. I think this was a foreshadowing of what was to come. Jesus washing His disciples' feet was unexpected and not the "norm." But it was something He must do in order for His disciples to fully receive what Jesus had to offer. In the same token, Jesus dying a criminal's death was not expected or the "norm" for a so-called Savior/Messiah. But it had to be done. I think it was also a point to the disciples that if they tried to stop Him from what He was about to go through with, they would not be with Him in Heaven.
Just thinking about what must have been going through Jesus' mind through all of this is overwhelming. These are men that Jesus had come to know and care about deeply over the past 3 years. They have spent probably every day together. They have talked together, eaten together, shared together. He loves them as if they were his own flesh and blood ... his brothers, maybe even his children. As a mother, that's a powerful bond. Could you imagine him meeting together with his men, knowing that it would be their last meeting together? What was he thinking about? A normal person might have been thinking: "How do I tell them that they will no longer have me here to guide them? How will they take the news? Will they be able to make it without me? How will they react to me being arrested? Or killed? Will they do something irrational? Will they believe me when I tell them that death is not the end for me?" But Jesus must have known all the answers to those questions already. But He still must have been thinking about them. He must have been thinking about everything, all the while trying to maintain His composure.
And what's more! He was sitting in the room with the very person who was going to sell him out for a little bit of silver! This same man who had been with him for the last 3 years, whom he had loved and cared about, was going to betray Him. And He announced this to the group. Think about it. How easy would it have been for Jesus to have called Him by name, and put a stop to the whole thing. But that would have messed up so much (not to mention the whole laws of whatever science would have been messed up if Jesus predicted something of the future that was changed, then was it really something of the future, and then what would he have to predict - yeah that circle is another topic for someone else haha). But all jokes aside, if Jesus had done that, He could have put a stop to His death - at least for the time being. But He didn't. He simply said ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME! And what did EVERY ONE of them reply? "Surely Not I!!!" That's got to sting Jesus. He must have been thinking something along the lines of "Are you serious? You are going to sit here, and look me in the eye, and tell me surely you wouldn't betray me? Are you serious?" You know ... it's a good thing we have a loving, forgiving, patient, PERFECT Messiah. I sure wouldn't have fit the bill. (Which is why I am human and not God!)

So after all of this, Jesus takes His disciples out to pray in the garden. Jesus is praying so hard and really thinking about all that is about to transpire that he is sweating blood. And what are His disciples doing? SLEEPING! Seriously men! Where is your wake up call? When Jesus is actually led away in handcuffs? Or the dying on the cross part?
But think about it! How often are we like those disciples? Do we pray with earnest? Or are we more likely to fall asleep or let our minds wander while someone else is praying? The disciples had been told that His time with them was coming to an end, and they needed to pray but instead they slept. We have been told that our days are numbered and we must be ready, but instead we spiritually sleep. Where is our wake up call? Jesus has already been killed! How many times must He die before we get the picture? This is why we remember Easter each year! We need a wake up call because we seem to fall asleep throughout the rest of the year!

So anyways ...while they are out in the garden ... here come the guards ... and Judas - who betrays Jesus with a KISS! Nothing like saying I love you, but not more than money.

Good Friday! Jesus is crucified. Jesus is not just killed ... He is killed the death of a criminal. Pilate even offers to release Him to the Jews - as was the custom to release one criminal. But would you believe that those same people who at the beginning of the week were singing His praises were now demanding for a murderer to be released. They wanted Jesus to be crucified!
We've all seen the depictions of Jesus on the cross, or Him carrying His cross to Calvary. But the one movie that hit me hard was Passion of the Christ. It was gruesome! There was a lot of blood!! We've heard it said that Jesus shed His blood for us ... wow this gives it new meaning! I think the part in the movie that hit me hard was after they beat Jesus with the cat of 9 tails - ripping his flesh off his bones literally - his mother came in and began wiping up his blood with her head piece. To see the amount of blood on the floor was breathtaking - and not in a good way. Thinking about all the pain and suffering Jesus went through makes me cringe for real. And then they take him and drive NAILS through his hands and feet and then stand the cross upright. The only thing keeping gravity from pulling him to the ground were the nails in his hands and feet! Oh how that must of hurt!! When I saw the scene of Jesus on the cross in between the two thieves in the movie Passion of the Christ, I couldn't get over the skin coloring portrayed. The two thieves had "white" skin ... not bloody at all. But Jesus' entire body was red from blood from being beat so much before being put on the cross. If you want to think of it this way - Jesus was our scapegoat. The crowds took their shots at Him - I think because they were too prideful to look at their own sin, so it's easier to make someone else look like the bad one! And the ironic thing - Jesus never once did a single thing wrong! Where is the justice in this world?
But you know ........ as horrible as all of this is ..... it saddens me to realize that I am the reason that Jesus went through all of that. Before I was created, He loved me. He felt that I was worth all of this agony He went through. He knew that if He did not go through with this ... if He didn't cleanse me of my sins, I would never be able to spend eternity with Him. For this, this is why we have Easter ever year. This is what we are supposed to reflect on during Holy Week.
We should be humbled by this act of servitude by Jesus. We should be sorrowful that we are sinners. We should have a desire to turn from our sins and do anything that is asked of us by God. We LITERALLY owe God our lives!! It is not a figure of speech because we should do something for Him, it is a literal thing: Jesus LITERALLY gave His life when He was brutally MURDERED on our behalf. The LEAST we can do is serve Him! Don't we owe Him that much?

The following song was playing while we took communion at the Maundy Thursday service. I had heard the song before, but to sit in silence and really listen to these words during this service - when I was already deep in reflection - was very touching. I can't explain it. Except that I am the reason that Jesus was named a criminal and killed as such. He took on all of our crimes and paid our debt so that we will never have to. Because of Him we are free peoples.

Glory Revealed - By His Wounds Lyrics

(Feat. Mac Powell, Mark Hall, Steven Curtis Chapman and Brian Littrell)

Isaiah 53:5

He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed

He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed

We are healed by Your sacrifice
And the life that You gave
We are healed for You paid the price
By Your grace we are saved
We are saved

He was pierced for our transgressions
And crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed

We are healed by Your sacrifice
And the life that You gave
We are healed for You paid the price
By Your grace we are saved
We are saved

He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed
And by His wounds, by His wounds

What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to pose a question.
If you were to have gotten into a bad car accident that left you trapped in the car with death imminent. (Even go as far as to say that accident was your fault.) While you are trapped, so many people have driven by and ignored you. Maybe some have stopped, but they simply just told you what to do but didn't want to do anything themselves. They felt that you got yourself in to the situation, you should get yourself out. But then, just when you've come to terms with dying, a stranger stops and puts his/her life at risk to save yours. How would you repay that person? I don't know about you, but I feel that I would be forever indebted to that person. I sure wouldn't treat them like a burden or put them on the back burner. I've just made a new best friend and would be continually repaying them forever.

Isn't that the way we should be with God? We are alive because He DIED - literally!

But you want to know the great thing about the God we serve? He didn't just die ... He conquered death itself and came back to life. Not too many people can make that claim. And because He conquered Death from Satan, we know that our God is The All Most Powerful! I am glad that My God is the best in the world! He is the ONLY GOD! All other gods are nothing. Satan has no power over me because I belong to Jesus Christ - the one who has defeated Satan once and for all.

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE EASTER!!
I know it has passed this year. But that doesn't mean you can't reflect on this throughout the year. But when Holy Week comes next year ... don't let it sneak up and pass by without giving it any reflection!!